Sharman D. Colosetti, Ph.D.

My name is Dr. Sharman Colosetti. I am a licensed therapist located in the Atlanta area. I am an energetic, optimistic person. As a therapist I will provide you with my honest reactions and feedback garnered from years of training and life experience. I treat a wide variety of problems and love my work with adults who want to live more spontaneous, joyful and connected lives.

As you are here reading this, you’ve taken the first step, and now I invite you to start your journey towards wholeness and well being by contacting me here or calling me at 404.518.0828. I will answer your questions and we can explore whether my approach is the right one for you. If so, we can usually arrange a time to meet the same week and if not I can help make a referral to get you the right type of help.

Children are aware that their parents’ relationship isn’t working. Dr. J. Louise Despert in Children of Divorce says, “The fact that the parents are unhappy together is the thing that primarily disturbed the children in the family, not the fact that they finally agreed to separate.” The children may, in fact, be relieved.

When you choose to tell your children that a divorce is going to happen, use a calm, accepting tone, showing them that you have adjusted to the fact that the divorce is imminent. Postpone telling them until it is for certain to avoid giving the children false hope that their parent might come back. Avoid putting your children in an ackward position by blaming the parent who left. Explain to them that s/he will still see their Dad/Mom and will still love him/her.

A great book for young children that I recommend to couples who are in divorce mediation with me is The Dinousaurs Divorce. It tells the story of a family that goes through a divorce in a healthy way, creating two nurturing families to raise their children. And, for parents, The Good Divorce guides parents in creating a Binuclear Family to serve the best interests of their children. For more info about both books, go to my “On my Bookshelf” page under “Relationships.”

In the late 1980″s, I coordinated a Rape Crisis program. I came across several lists of tips that may help lessen the chance of being victimized. Here they are:

1. Be alert. Walk confidantly without doing anything else like talking on your cell phone or rummaging through your purse.

2. Put up a fight. Shout. Spray with pepper spray. Most rapists will figure it’s too much trouble.

3. If you’re grabbed around the waist, pinch them HARD under the arm between the armpit and elbow, then, punch the groin.

4. If he holds his hand up coming toward your face, grab his first two fingers and bend them backward.

5. If you see any odd behavior, trust your instincts. It’s better to look silly by shouting at someone than getting raped.

6. Try to have someone with you when you go out walking.

7. Keep your car locked when driving.

8. Don’t pick up hitchhikers or standed motorists. Report them to the police.

9. When leaving your car, lock it.

10. Keep doors and windows in your home locked. Don’t allow strangers to come in.

11. Don’t advertise on social media or dating sites that you live alone.

12. Vary your habits.

13. When you move to a new place, have the locks changed.

14. Use an entrance light at your door.

15. Check identification of salespersons or service persons who come to your door.

16. Know your neighbors and report strangers to the police.

17. Develop a neighborhood watch program.

18. Don’t enter your home if you come home, and the door is ajar. Call the police and wait in a safe place.

19. When giving directions to someone in a car, stand a safe distance away.

20. If someone is following you when you are walking, go into a store or neighbor’s house.

21. Always park in a well-lit spot.

22. Make sure your keys are in your hand when you go to your car.

23. Check around and under your car as you approach it.

24. Take a self-defense course.

IF YOUR ARE ASSAULTED:

Your body is the evidence. Don’t bathe, douche or change your clothes. Go to the nearest emergency room and have evidence taken. Report the crime to the police. And remember, it is NOT your fault when you are the vicitm of the crime of rape. For more information, check out the Rape, Assault and Incest National Network (RAINN) at www.rainn.org or call their national hotline at 800.656.HOPE.

Marriages and families are two of the greatest assets that we can have. Premarital Counselling helps damage-proof your relationship. You can learn to identify and resolve differences that may become sources of conflict and develope skills to navigate your marriage.

Premarital Counseling is helpful if:
1) one partner is commitment phobic;
2) there are unresolved disagreements (money, parenting, household responsibilities, work, sex);
3) either or both partners were married before;
4) either partner has difficulties handling conflict; and/or
5) either partner has a history of childhood abuse and/or domestic violence.
In some states, Premarital Counseling is also a requirement for people under 18 years old.

Once a couple has an assessment, several areas of conflict may be obvious.
1) Do you want children?
2) What religion will we practice?
3) Is there a history of alcohol or drug abuse in either family or either partner?
4) How does a history of witnessing or experiencing physical and/or sexual abuse effect intimacy?
5) Has either partner been diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder?
6) Are there spending problems?
Once areas of conflict are identified, we work together to develop a realistic concept of marriage, troubleshoot problems, and increase the likelihood of avoiding divorce. Do you recognize areas where you could use some help? If so, call me at 404.518.0828 to set up an appointment.

57 MOST FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE

I came across a great resource called 57 most frequently asked questions about divorce by Patricia A. Stallworth, a certified financial planner and certified divorce financial analyst. It’s an easy-to-read brochure that was published by Minding Your Money Institute (www.minding-your-money.com). The Table of Contents lists the following topics:

1) Legal Process,
2) Property, Investments and Debt,
3) Social Security, Pensions and Retirement,
4) Alimony, Child Custody and Support,
5) Taxes and Miscellaneous.

It also has a Resources section that lists both legal and financial resources.

To me, the everyday definition of crazy is when you see, hear, feel or smell things that others in the same room don’t feel, see, hear or smell. So, when someone asks me if they are crazy, that’s the open door to figuring out what was normal behavior in their family. For George, normal behavior was parents screaming at each other and their kids. That didn’t work so well for him when he got married and started screaming at his wife. For Sue, normal was never being allowed to close her door at night. That made it easier for her Dad to sneak into her room at night.

As we grow up, we learn to cope in our world, no matter what it is. When we become adults, those coping skills may not work effectively to get us what we want now. So, the answer to the question, “Am I crazy?” is NO. You followed your parents’ examples and learned perfectly to do what you do. That shows that you are smart and capable of learning new ways to get what you want.

Now what? Our next step is to set our goals. Oftentimes, when people come to therapy, they aren’t real sure what they want to accomplish. They are in a crisis and want it to change now. I use the following list by Shedler and Westen to help clients identify their goals for therapy. When you read through it, circle the items that are not true for you, then, give me a call to schedule an appointment .

A common question I get is, “Is this normal?” We learn the definition of normal from our family. Kelly Clarkston’s song, Because of You (below),
illustrates this perfectly. As women, we look to our mother figure to teach us “normal” behaviors for women. Men look to their father figure.
It is “normal” to either do what our parent teaches us or to do the opposite. Even though Kelly intentionally
says, “I will not make the same mistakes that you did,” she realizes that she “cries in the middle of the night”
about her pain just like her mother. She doesn’t think of anyone else because she can’t trust anyone enough
to let them into her life. She’s lonely. Her life is empty just like her mother’s — the mother who leaned on her
daughter for support, because she didn’t have anyone else. So, when a client asks, “Is this normal?” I say

“There isn’t ONE normal. Let’s explore what was normal in your family and see if that works for you now.”

BECAUSE OF YOU

I won’t make the same mistakes that you did.
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery.
I will not break the way you did.
You fell so hard.
I’ve learned the hard way, to never let it get that far.
Because of you
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk.
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don’t get hurt.
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me.
Because of you
I am afraid.
I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out.
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes.
I’m forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life.
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with.
Because of you
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk.
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don’t get hurt.
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me.
Because of you
I am afraid.
I watched you die,
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep.
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me.
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain,
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing.
Because of you
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk.
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don’t get hurt.
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything.
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in.
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty.
Because of you
I am afraid.
Because of you
Because of you

When someone comes through the door for their first session of therapy, they are in crisis — they may be lonely, depressed, anxious, grieving, angry. They want it to stop. . . and the sooner the better! This is the beginning of the first phase of therapy. We work at figuring out how they got there and work on ways to find their way out.

Once the crisis is over, the second phase of therapy begins — the character work. Oftentimes, people quit therapy after they have learned a few coping skills and things begin to improve. That’s like getting stuck in Chapter 3 (below). In the second phase of therapy, we work to change the “normal” fall-back habits that we learned from our families, automatic behaviors that we do without thinking. Instead of falling in the same hole over and over, we walk around it and, eventually, walk down a different street.

This poem by Portia Nelson(see below) helps illustrate the process that we will go through in our work together.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place,
but it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. . .it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

Mary Oliver (1992). New and Selected Poems.

One day you finally knew
what you had to do,
and began,
though the voices around you kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried. Continue reading

When you think of a trigger, you probably think of a gun. In my business, a trigger is something that happens that sets off a chain reaction of thoughts, feelings and actions. Donna is a good example. She went to her OB/GYN for her annual exam. She started getting anxious when she took off her clothes. That was her trigger. It reminded her of being sexually abused as a child. She began to hyperventilate and cry. The doctor referred her to me.

First, I helped her learn ways she could calm herself. When she could do that effectively, I helped her identify her other triggers, manage her anxiety, and develop a life worth living.

Donna is not alone. One in four women has been sexually abused by the age of 18. My history of working with both sexually and physically abused women, in a psychiatric clinic, a rape crisis center, a women’s prison and, now, in my private practice, helped me guide her to a life worth living.

A favorite skill that I teach my clients is called square breathing. It helps to stop anxiety in its tracks. As Susan talked about getting a negative evaluation from her boss, her breathing became shallow, her face pale, her hands started to fidget. I calmly demonstrated taking a deep breath slowly to the count of 4, holding it for 4 counts, exhaling slowly for 4 counts, and holding your breath out for 4 counts. That is one cycle. After doing it for five cycles, Susan had calmed down and could focus. She felt confident in her ability to soothe herself.

The mechanics of the breathing cycle explains why it works. When we get anxious, we hold our breath and/or breathe shallowly. Our body starts sending us messages that it needs more oxygen: clammy hands, pounding heart, butterflies in our stomach, etc. By taking a deep breath, we give our body what it needs to function properly, Square breathing is effective in any situation that comes up:

1. When you get in a social situation, freeze up, your heart rate sky rockets, and you can’t talk.

2. When you’re driving down the street and have a panic attack, and you don’t know why.

3. When you get negative feedback from an employer or friend.

4. When you awake in the night after a nightmare.

Once you can breathe easily again, we can start figuring out what’s underneath your fear and how to change it so you can have a life worth living.